The Empowerment Couple
Ready to supercharge your life with a symphony of laughter, wisdom, and transformative insights? Welcome to The Empowerment Couple Podcast, where entertainment meets empowerment, and education expands your world! Join Zuri and Mikey Star, your empowerment and expansion coaches, on a power-packed journey each week. Laughter and wisdom collide in a perfect blend, creating a space for the empowered posse to play. Dive deep into personal development, relationships, spirituality, career strategies, and other crucial topics that will inform and allow you to co-create your most beautiful life. Featuring top guest experts, every episode is crafted with your empowerment in mind. Subscribe now and let The Empowerment Couple Podcast be your soundtrack to happiness, transmuting your worries and filling you with an abundance mindset.
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The Empowerment Couple
Wound Wisdom: Transforming Your Triggers into Treasures & Turn ons
Ever notice how the same arguments keep playing out in your relationship? That pattern isn't random—it's rooted in emotional wounds that are silently shaping your connections.
Wounds aren't just painful reminders of the past; they're doorways to profound transformation when approached with awareness and compassion. Whether it's feeling dismissed when your partner needs space or becoming defensive when criticized, these reactions often stem from unresolved pain points formed early in life.
During this illuminating conversation, we break down the mother and father wounds that both men and women carry into relationships. For women, mother wounds might manifest as people-pleasing or difficulty trusting other women, while father wounds often lead to attracting emotionally unavailable partners or struggling with hyper-independence. Men carry their own unique imprints—from fear of disappointing women to disconnection from purpose or grounded masculinity.
The most powerful revelation? Your triggers aren't your enemies—they're messengers pointing to what needs healing. When your partner does something that pushes your buttons, it's an invitation to transform that reaction into connection. We share practical ways to flip common triggers like "you never listen to me" or "you never initiate intimacy" into opportunities for deeper intimacy, polarity, and even heightened attraction.
Through our playful "Trigger, Treasure, or Turn-on" game, we demonstrate how everyday relationship moments can either activate wounds or create pathways to healing and desire. Because ultimately, intimacy isn't built in comfort—it's built in repair.
Ready to transform your relationship triggers into treasures and turn-ons? This episode provides the roadmap for that journey. Your wounds aren't just what happened to you—they're what's happening for you, creating the exact circumstances needed for your most profound healing and growth.
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I keep getting it wrong.
Speaker 2:Oh, but you'll get it right.
Speaker 1:I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it all right.
Speaker 2:Lacerations, here they come Ew.
Speaker 1:No. Welcome to the Empowerment Couple Podcast, where your path to self-mastery expands.
Speaker 2:My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.
Speaker 1:And he's Expansion Coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2:Together we are the Empowerment Couple.
Speaker 1:Our mission is simple to serve you, love, so you can make informed decisions to regain and maintain your personal power.
Speaker 2:We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with purpose, passion and limitless possibilities, while sharing stories of transformation, wellness hacks and healthy habits backed by science and ancient wisdom.
Speaker 1:Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games, banter and funny innuendos along the way. Each episode is an exciting blend of education, entertainment and empowerment designed to help you create a mindset to be a magnet for more love, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2:Together with our special guests. We are dedicated to sharing information that empowers you to create your most beautiful life A one Z, a two Z, a three Z your most beautiful life. I got nothing. I got nothing. You're supposed to say something? I forgot. I forgot something. I forgot, I forgot.
Speaker 1:I already hit it.
Speaker 2:I'm all doing the 5, 4, 3, 2. You're looking at me like an idiot. I already pushed play.
Speaker 1:No, I hit record. That's what you do as the producer of the show man.
Speaker 2:You speak as if there's some hidden wound there. Oh, there's lots of wounds. Speaking of wounds, what's the title of today's show, zuri? I said what is the title of today's show, zuri?
Speaker 1:The title is Wound Wisdom how to transform your triggers into treasures and turn-ons.
Speaker 2:Transform your triggers into treasures and turn-ons. I like that.
Speaker 1:You like it.
Speaker 2:I like it a lot.
Speaker 1:I like it a lot.
Speaker 2:Because I have triggers, but I'd like to have more treasures and a lot more turn-ons. How do we get this done?
Speaker 1:How is what we're going to teach today?
Speaker 2:Okay then.
Speaker 1:That's the how we're going to bring the how let's make it happen, and we're also going to explain wounds. Can you say wound, wound, wounds?
Speaker 2:Wound-es.
Speaker 1:Wound-es. We have some wound wisdom that we are going to drop today, because your wounds can be like the basis of your wisdom.
Speaker 2:That is correct. Wounds are a receipt that there is room to grow.
Speaker 1:Most certainly, and never be shameful of the wounds that you have, because that work that you do on healing them is the best work you'll ever do and also part of why you are here. Oftentimes they lead to your greatest unfoldment.
Speaker 2:And a lot of times we're dealing with a wound because we are improperly labeling an event in the past as negative and instead it was a positive thing. You actually grew through it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, for example, when you know like somebody can no longer be, let's say, in the military, and then they go to war the next year, that's like, oh, that's like a blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2:That is yeah, Exactly.
Speaker 1:That is a blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2:Oh no, I got kicked out and there's a war going on, oh rats.
Speaker 1:It's kind of sexy how you did that.
Speaker 2:Oh no, my woman is choking on not having enough water. I'm going to get her water. You know what I'm saying? I'm on moisture patrol. Got to keep you moist, right. Got to keep that water coming in and out, right.
Speaker 1:Moisture control that's hilarious. So we've been together a long time. Moisture control that's hilarious. So we've been together a long time and sometimes we can annoy each other. But here's what I want to propose. What if the thing that annoys you most about your partner is the key to deeper intimacy, polarity and healing?
Speaker 2:So I'd go so far as to say that's not a what if it's actually what you're supposed to be doing, right? So your personal experience in navigating your unresolved wounds in your partnership, that in itself is part of the process, right? So, like we all, came in with baggage and unhealed wounds spoiler alert everyone does but once you are there, the process then is to heal those wounds in a process that we're going to be talking about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we definitely came in with some wounds, and why this topic matters now, especially for our conscious couples that we coach and the high achievers that we coach separately, is that the quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationship.
Speaker 2:Oh, most certainly yeah, and you're never in a relationship that's doomed. You always have the opportunity to work on that relationship. So today we are going to take you on a journey. Transformation is possible through awareness and sacred practices. So the invitation today is to love beyond the wound right, so you can heal your triggers through polarity and embodiment. Yes, so that's what we're going to jump into.
Speaker 1:I love it, I'm here for it, let's go Okay. So let's just do recap on what we're actually talking about. What are emotional wounds? Emotional wounds are unresolved pain points from earlier life experiences, often stemming from childhood, and this shapes how we see ourselves, others and the world. These can be abandonment, rejection, betrayal, neglect, shame or humiliation. They become core beliefs like I'm not enough, love is conditional, I can't trust anyone, I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of success, et cetera. Right?
Speaker 2:So these wounds, how do they manifest into our lives?
Speaker 1:Well, they either become your core wounds, your common patterns or your shadow behaviors. So let's just recap what those are. So core wounds are the emotional injuries we often carry from childhood or early relationships. These may come from abandonment, rejection, neglect, conditional love or unmet needs. They live in our nervous system and subconscious.
Speaker 2:I feel like that's what everybody has, which is why what their core wounds, Right right.
Speaker 1:Because it could be the smallest thing to the largest thing, but we all share them, correct. And then the common patterns are behaviors we adopt, usually unconsciously, to protect ourselves from re-experiencing the pain of those wounds. They often feel like personality traits or coping mechanisms, but are really adaptive strategies from the past.
Speaker 2:I like how you say the adaptive strategies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay. And then the third way is shadow behaviors, and shadow behaviors are parts of us that we've disowned, rejected or suppressed, often because they were shamed, punished or not modeled growing up. So these behaviors tend to show up in moments of stress, conflict or emotional charge, and are usually not aligned with our highest self.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would most certainly say that it's definitely not a higher self, so a visual would be like.
Speaker 1:Our triggers are the smoke, core wounds are the fire, and then common patterns are the escape route, and then shadow behaviors. They're the alarm system that says hey, yo, yo, it's time to heal.
Speaker 2:It's time to heal.
Speaker 1:Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, and they get louder and louder and louder. So let's break it down into how females have a mother wound and a father wound, and then also how males have a mother and father wound and what that looks like. Yeah, that's perfect, so you go first I'll do females, my feminine tribe. So for females, the mother wound is a wound that arises from how a woman's mother modeled femininity, emotional expression, self-worth and love.
Speaker 2:Now, this is interesting because, as moms out there, as you're listening to this, just know that what you are doing with yourself and your actions are also being adopted by your kids. Yep, so this is very interesting For sure. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:So, whether you have a daughter or whether you are a mom, like everybody needs this information, not so that you can feel bad about yourself. So just get ready, take a deep breath. We're going to do some deep work together and we're going to love you through this. But this is hard work and um, but it's the most important work wound care, essentially, so figuring out where you are having the issue and so and and no judgment. Like all of us have this. Like all of us have these underlying wounds going on and even if you've taken care of them, sometimes they come back. You know, because it's like constant, constantly have to care for them. Okay, so Again, mother wound.
Speaker 1:This wound arises from how a woman's mother models femininity, emotional expression, self-worth and love, and the core wounds may include feeling unlovable unless you're useful, pretty or perfect, being shamed for your emotions or sexuality, competing with or being criticized by your mother, taking on emotional caretaking of your mother. And the common patterns are people-pleasing and over-giving, suppressed feminine energy or creativity, guilt for outshining your mother, difficulty trusting other women. Shadow behaviors are emotional repression, perfectionism, self-betrayal and seeking mothering from romantic partners. So if any of that felt like, oh fuck, she's calling me out, just know that that's all of us. We're all experiencing these wounds.
Speaker 2:If you're wounded, you're not alone.
Speaker 1:You're in good company, honey, and now father wound. For females, this wound forms around how your father did or did not show up through presence, protection, praise or permission to be fully expressed. Wounds may include emotional abandonment or physical absence, overcritical or over-controlling father, unavailable or unsafe masculine energy, receiving conditional love based on achievement, and the common patterns are attracting emotionally unavailable or dominant men seeking validation through performance or sex, difficulty trusting masculine leadership or protection, and the shadow behaviors are hyper-independence or hyper-codependence and fear of surrender or intimacy.
Speaker 2:That is a handful right there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2:That's not a pleasant bag.
Speaker 1:If I just scratched your wound right now. Just know you were held, you were loved. We're going to get through this together. Scratched your wound right now, just know you were held, you were loved. We're going to get through this together. The best way to uncover something that has been causing you pain is to pay attention to it. Look at it so that we can do some wound care.
Speaker 2:So the first part of it is the awareness. So if, as you're listening, you are becoming more and more, more and more aware of what's happening, you're in the first stage.
Speaker 1:Yes so correct.
Speaker 2:So jumping into the mother wound. For males, this wound comes from how a man experienced the feminine, often his mother's emotional regulation, her boundaries and her connection to his emotional needs. So the core wounds may include enmeshment, basically when the mother relied on the son for emotional support instead of the other way around being punished or shamed for showing anger or autonomy, over-nurturing or over-controlling mother. There's some guilt around masculine independence or sexuality. The common patterns are going to be fear of disappointing a woman, suppressing emotions or avoiding conflict, attracting, controlling or overly emotional partners right, so again, you're basically attracting who you were raised by right, so it's going to put you in the same negative patterns. The shadow behaviors, of course, are going to be your passive masculinity right, rage, repression, and then you'll also start getting into porn addiction. And then there's also the behavior of mothering your partner instead of polarizing with them. Right, so you are assuming the feminine role versus claiming your max masculinity. Then there's a father wound right, so this is the foundation of a man's sense of power.
Speaker 1:Wait, can we just pause, like if any of that felt like it triggered you. Any of that felt like, oh fuck, they found me out. Or whatever the sensation comes in your body where sometimes you get that hot feeling of like, oh God, I'm exposed. Just know that that is just your awareness and that you are safe. You are safe, you are held. There's a path. We're showing you the pathway through.
Speaker 2:If you are fighting the urge to push, stop, because this is too much. It's okay, you can push, pause, yes, just keep going, because this is going to be good for you.
Speaker 1:Okay, father wound. Sorry to interrupt you.
Speaker 2:So, again, this is the foundation of a man's sense of power, his purpose and identity. The father wound comes from neglect, abuse, absence or modeling of unhealthy masculinity, and that also comes from the father. The core wounds may include emotional or physical abuse, a lack of healthy male role model will you know? That's just part of it rejection or comparison or feeling not good enough as a man. Right, the common patterns are going to be fear of failure or inadequacy, trying to prove worth through success or domination, or you're going to be disconnected from your purpose, your leadership or your grounded masculinity. All that stuff will be flatlined. The shadow behaviors are going to be, of course, anger issues, control issues and any type of avoidance of commitment. Right Another shadow behavior is over-identifying with the hustle culture, or the exact opposite, being a lone wolf. So basically, you're tapping into two unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Because, the hustle culture is all about force and not about flow. And the hustle culture is all about I got to get this done. I got to get this done, and that is going to burn you out, whether you're male or female.
Speaker 2:And the loner wolf basically means that you're checking out, you're disconnecting with the people around you so that you can stay safe, when in fact you need to get back into that, you need to have those relationships healed and the lone wolf basically has you pulling away and repressing connectivity with the people around you, right Like hiding, basically not wanting to be seen and not wanting to be in the pack, which is what wolves do.
Speaker 1:Wolves are pack animals, exactly so.
Speaker 2:There's a quote from Dr Nicole Lepera, and she states that "the relationships we form in childhood write the blueprint for how we love and lead and respond to conflict as adults?
Speaker 1:Yes, your triggers aren't the enemy, they are the invitation.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:So if you felt the chills or you had a hot sensation, or you felt exposed or you had that sensation where you show up at school naked or whatever came through for you when we were talking about what the wounds are, I want you to know that, yeah, that's just part of being a human. That's the playing field, that's where we are, and they're not the enemy, they're the invitation. So whatever has happened to you has also happened for you.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly. So if you're dealing, if you're not dealing with a wound, there's a good chance that you're not getting any closer to your goals, right? So, the more you address those wounds, the closer you're going to get to your goals, because you're going to allow yourself to actually reach them.
Speaker 1:Right, and right now we have a lot of people who are in a nervous system shutdown and emotional dysregulation, which we talked about on our previous episodes. And let's just talk about how emotional wounds lead to dysregulation, because if you don't check on the wound, then you're going to have a very hard time emotionally Correct Because you'll be covering or hiding or numbing. You'll be doing something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not operating from a state of balance.
Speaker 1:So unhealed wounds live in your nervous system, not just in the mind. They definitely live in the mind we're going to cover that next but they live in your nervous system. When something in the present reminds your body of a past wound, it reacts, even if, logically, like you know, this is not even close to the same situation. It's just that it triggers a part of your body that makes it feel like it's the same. But it's not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's almost as if you're paying the price of a thousand fights in one fight.
Speaker 1:Right. So an example would be like if you have an abandonment wound and your partner needs space, your body may go into panic fight, which is like cling flight, which is shut down or leave and freeze, which is like numb out, like go and distract yourself with TV or get high or get super loaded on alcohol, whatever you know the things, all the crutches. That's emotional dysregulation. When your nervous system is overwhelmed and your response is bigger than the moment calls for, it's when you have that real freak out moment and you're like, oh fuck, what's wrong with me? It's that your nervous system is responding to something that has likely nothing to do with the reality that you're experiencing.
Speaker 1:You lose your keys and 20 minutes later your house is like burnt down because you lost your shit. It's like you know, if somebody gets really close to you and like your childhood, was people getting in your face if somebody gets really close to you, even if they weren't aggressively coming at you, you might react by pushing them or doing something very like whoa, where did that come from? You know, shocking to the other party. But that has nothing to do with them, but it just has to do with your emotional dysregulation.
Speaker 2:I have something to admit to you. I have emotional dysregulation toward bouncers.
Speaker 1:Oh, I know this, I know this.
Speaker 2:I just want to let you know.
Speaker 1:That's authority. Authority figured emotional dysregulation.
Speaker 2:Let a bouncer touch me and I'll just lose my shit. Yeah, I've seen it.
Speaker 1:I have receipts, Anyway. So there's a neuroscience connection Like I said, we're going to cover this that when wounded, your amygdala, the brain's alarm center, hijacks your logical brain, your prefrontal cortex, you go into survival mode, overreacting, shutting down or losing your sense of safety in the moment.
Speaker 2:Hence fighting bouncers.
Speaker 1:Hence fighting a bouncer. If it is hysterical, it is historical Meaning. If your emotional reaction is disappropriate, it's likely tied to some old wound and not just the current event, like you've seen people do this. You probably have been guilty of doing this Like it was like what the fuck? Where did that come from? And it's just a part of you that isn't fully healed and is need some wound care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there is a regulated response and a dysregulated response. So let's talk about those differences, right? So a regulated response, so of course there's going to be a trigger, right? So there's going to be a trigger and you'll either have a dysregulated reaction or a regulated response. So if a partner says a trigger would be a partner would ask for space and a dysregulated action would be, a reaction would be the partner would panic or cling and kind of overreact, whereas the regulated response would be like you know what I feel vulnerable, but I trust our bond. Space is okay.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's a nice regulated response. Another trigger would be any type of criticism, right, so criticism tends to happen regularly in most marriages.
Speaker 1:But it needs to be put in check Exactly.
Speaker 2:A dysregulated reaction to that would be literally rage or shutting down, right? You're talking about those two extremes where a regulated response would be you know, oh, that hurt. Can we talk about it? There's an open-ended conversation. There's an invitation to learn and exchange more information.
Speaker 1:It also allows you to set a boundary.
Speaker 2:Correct, that is correct. Any type of disagreement. That would be a trigger, and a dysregulated response would, of course, go straight into withdrawal or yelling, right, whereas the regulated response would look more like you know what, honey, let's pause and let's come back when we're more grounded. Right, you've made space in the future, but you realize that right now is not the best time to do so. Right, but you realize that right now is not the best time to do so. So, healing the wound allows for the nervous system to regulate so you can respond instead of react, and that's where you want to be. When you're having a conversation, you never want to be in responding, you want to be in reacting. You want to be in responding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so there's proactive responding and dysregulated reacting Correct, and almost always your reactions are coming from a place of a unhealed part of yourself, a wound. Sometimes it could be a boundary, but we'll talk more about that. But this triggers something in us, right, and your triggers are not your truth. They're just messengers pointing to the unhealed parts of you.
Speaker 2:Like signposts.
Speaker 1:Yes, kill me, yep.
Speaker 2:Kill me, no problem. Now, one thing about wounds is especially in relationships, males and females will bring in different symptoms based on their wounds, right? So that's something to say.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So here's how they show up in relationships. So the mother wound for females, the female response is overgiving, guilt and distrust of women, and the male response is guilt, fear of separation and emotional avoidance. So the father wound showing up in women is attraction to emotionally unavailable men, hyper-independence. And then the male response is the need to dominate or perform, fear, failure, control issues.
Speaker 2:So what's interesting is what happens when both the husband and wife have both male and female wounds from their mom and dad, right? So then we're talking about all of those things coming into a big pool within the relationship, right? The overgiving, the guilt, the distrust, the need to dominate, to perform all the things you just mentioned. So if you are in a relationship and you have all these wounds, then this is how those wounds turn into relationship triggers, right? So the question is are all triggers coming from wounds?
Speaker 1:No, but many triggers are wound activated. Okay, so these are often tied to early life experiences, especially in childhood. Trauma or unprocessed pain. Examples would be feeling dismissed and that might trace back to a parent who ignored your emotions. Panic when someone needs space, and that's an abandonment wound. Rage when somebody criticizes you that's a shame wound. So yeah, they aren't all triggers from wounds, but some are.
Speaker 2:So these triggers are out of proportion to the moment, because the nervous system is reacting to a historical imprint, not the present, is reacting to a historical imprint, not the present. So there's a data point that states that in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy confirmed that unresolved parental trauma often predicts conflict styles and intimacy breakdowns in adult romantic relationships. Yes, right.
Speaker 1:So here are some of the triggers that are not wound-based. Boundary violations would be an example. So you can be triggered when someone crosses a boundary and it's not about a wound, it's about your inner compass saying not right for me, no, thank you, or just no no-ho. Like we said on our last podcast, the example would be like somebody speaks over you. You feel irritated, not because of trauma, but because you value mutual respect.
Speaker 2:I'm speaking I'm speaking exactly. Then there's, of course, value conflicts, right? So sometimes you're triggered because your core values are being challenged, not because you are unhealed right? So an example of that would be uh, you value honesty, but someone lies to you, right, the anger isn't from a wound, it's from integrity being compromised right, and knowing the difference is really helpful, because then you know you're not like trying to look into your past and be like oh, was it this?
Speaker 1:or you know like so. This is why we're making this distinction. Energetic incompatibility would be another one. So you may feel off or agitated in someone's presence, not due to past trauma, but because your nervous system detects energetic misalignment, especially true for people who are very sensitive to energy, like empaths and intuitives, anybody with a spiritual ability. They have a sensitivity to be around certain energies and if it's a no, it's a no. And it doesn't have anything to do with their childhood. It has to do with their incompatible energy. They're a mismatch.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about the difference between these various triggers. So you have your wound-based trigger, and the root cause for those wound-based triggers are going to be past trauma or unmet childhood needs, and the best healing path for that, of course, is going to be your inner child work and some somatic healing. There's all kinds of things that you can do in regards to that.
Speaker 1:There's guided meditations that you have, that we have free on the podcast, so use those.
Speaker 2:Then you have your boundary-based trigger right and the root cause usually is going to be there's a disrespect. In the present moment it's actually happening right and the best healing path is going to be clarified. So you could ask some clarifying questions while you are enforcing your boundaries.
Speaker 1:Yep and also clarifying that this is my boundary.
Speaker 2:Exactly. Then you have your value-based triggers, so conflict with personal value. So if someone comes into your space and you are a vegetarian and they're meat eaters, they're eating a turkey leg Right.
Speaker 2:Then you're going to have to heal it. You're going to have to have some value alignment with some positive communication, and then you have your energetic or your environmental triggers. So this is sensory or energetic overload. You can go to a conference, you know, you can be in a room where someone's speaking and it's just like too much Right. So to heal from that, do a little bit of nervous system care and a little bit more discernment meaning like choose whether or not you want to go to that heavy metal concert.
Speaker 1:Or if you don't drink and don't smoke and don't rage anymore and you get invited to go to Vegas. That's where you would be like oh, discernment, I don't think that's a match for me anymore. I don't know. Let me think of what that would be like with people who are drinkers, smokers, ragers, et cetera.
Speaker 2:The thing about triggers is that triggers are teachers. They're not just trauma, right? They're pointing to what's still tender, unclear or non-negotiable for you.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely. So here's the fun part let's flip these fucking triggers, right? Okay, we're going to flip the trigger, we're going to turn the wounds into connection points and really what we're going to do is turn your trigger to turn on reframes, uh-oh. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give an example and I'm going to give you how I flipped it and then also the result. And then you want to do one, yeah.
Speaker 2:Cool.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this will help you embody. Embody what you've just learned about wound care.
Speaker 2:Taking information. Turn that information into action.
Speaker 1:Yes. So here's your example trigger you never listened to me can be flipped into a turn-on and it could be feeling fully witnessed and safe to express for both partners. So, whether it's a male or female saying you never listen to me, what's really happening is for the feminine energy. The feminine energy often craves presence, emotional validation and space to feel without being fixed, and the masculine energy often longs to be heard with appreciation, without being judged or micromanaged. So how I flipped it is you can create a sacred expressing ritual. So this could look like when the feminine expresses, they get three minutes to share emotion, experience or a desire and the listener stays in full presence. No fixing, no feedback, just feeling them, just feeling the energy. When the masculine expresses, they get three minutes to do the same. They get to voice what they're building, navigating or wanting to be acknowledged for, and the listener brings warmth, respect and nurturing attention. No dismissing, no correcting, just honoring. The result is that this will then build mutual safety and erotic polarity.
Speaker 2:Did you say erotic polarity?
Speaker 1:Yes, because the feminine, once the feminine feels seen and safe, the masculine then would also feel respected and empowered in this interchange and the intimacy then will deepen on both emotional and energetic levels. And what happens is that it then becomes like a turn on, it becomes ritualized into like, oh, we're not just bitching, it's like, no, we're going to hold space together and make the other person feel fully witnessed and safe to express.
Speaker 2:So what you're saying is a trigger isn't a problem, it is a possibility.
Speaker 1:It's a possibility.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, well, I got another example, okay, so trigger to turn on. The trigger is you never initiate intimacy anymore. That's a good trigger, right? The turn on is the ability to reclaim erotic tension through playful polarity and shared seduction.
Speaker 1:So here's what's really happening.
Speaker 2:Right. So one partner often the female feels unwanted or unseen, craving to be desired, without always initiating.
Speaker 1:Yes, spoiler alert Women like to be hunted.
Speaker 2:That is correct. Now the other partner, often the masculine, may feel rejected, burdened or unsure how to approach, fearing they will do it wrong or be turned down Right. So it kind of goes both ways. Now. This cycle breeds resentment, shutdown or a loss of polarity.
Speaker 1:Which means that both of you are acting either masculine or wounded, masculine or immature masculine, or both of you are acting out a wound as feminine. Exactly, yeah, so like you both are. There's no polarity.
Speaker 2:You have slipped out of divinity, and now you are in a mesh of madness.
Speaker 1:A mesh of madness, a mesh of madness.
Speaker 2:So here's how we flipped it, right we created mystery nights, which is like an intentional seduction ritual, right? So each week we'll take turns initiating intimacy, but we'll do it in character, right?
Speaker 1:Or just embodied in something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, it's not necessarily even role play.
Speaker 1:It's just like, but it could be. It's not even necessarily role play. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:So one week it's the soft, sensual siren who leads the moon, like Zuri will come in and you'd be all flowy and she'll have a little look in her eye. I'm like, oh goodness, okay, so it's her turn. And then I'll be like, okay, so next time I gotta bring it. So the next it's the confident, commanding partner who sets the scene. I'll walk in with jeans and a shirt off and we're good to go right. So, uh, we use music, we use outfits, candlelight, playful themes to create some tension, humor and anticipation, and it's the anticipation that also brings polarity.
Speaker 1:Right, you don't know if I'm showing up in boots and a whip.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Exactly, or you know, just like a flowy dress, massage oil and candles. A flowy dress, okay, right.
Speaker 2:So why it worked? Simple, right. The feminine energy is desired. She felt desired, safe to surrender, uh and and be creatively expressive. And the masculine energy felt welcomed to lead, celebrate for initiating and then feel sexually alive. So both partners experienced new facets of themselves and each other, reviving polarity, play and passion. Now that comes from a trigger right, so there is a possibility in a problem. So for me, when I stopped thinking that I needed to defend myself and started listening with presence, our connection grew right in front of my eyes.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I would say that the space that you created by creating a container that was sacred, authentic, monogamous and safe, that's when I become even more sensual and even more turned on, and so you can trigger somebody into a positive place.
Speaker 2:Correct, again triggers are treasures.
Speaker 1:Yes, use them so that's a great segue, by the way to our game, which is trigger treasure or turn on oh, trigger Trigger.
Speaker 2:Treasure Turn on.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was awesome. I love when we don't practice these things and then we both just nerd out together. Okay, so here's how to play. I'm going to read a hypothetical relationship behavior.
Speaker 2:I like hypotheticals.
Speaker 1:Yes, I know you do. You love them. And then the guesses will be is it a trigger, a treasure or a turn-on? A trigger meaning an unhealed wound or pattern being activated. A treasure which is a conscious reframe or glimmer leading to deeper intimacy, polarity and healing like doing the inner work.
Speaker 1:It just has so many pots of gold right, or maybe it's a turn-on and it creates the exact polarity that makes you want to rip their clothes off. We're going to discuss where it leads and it will have like a we'll do a short deeper dive, just so you can also fully understand this.
Speaker 2:So let's start you ready for this, I'm down.
Speaker 1:I'm ready, I'm going to give you the behavior or the phrase and and you're going to say trigger treasure or turn on, okay, it also could be all three. Got it? Okay, I need space tonight.
Speaker 2:Definitely a trigger. I need space tonight. I would say it's a trigger and a treasure. It might actually be all three. I mean, I think that there's space for that.
Speaker 1:I think it triggers the fear of abandonment. It is a treasure because it cultivates sovereignty, and it could be a turn on as you create some kind of anticipation for reunion. Ah so all three, all three.
Speaker 2:I need some space tonight. What about tomorrow night?
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, You're too emotional. Is that a trigger, treasure or turn on?
Speaker 2:It's not a turn on and it's not a treasure. I'm going to go for a trigger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say that's a trigger because it's a judgment of the person's emotional expression, and but you could reframe it as shakti embodiment oh yeah so I mean there's an opportunity, but it's it's a trigger. Anytime you're being critical with a judgment statement, you're not asking for a good time. The turn off it's the opposite of a turn on. Okay, so I planned our weekend getaway.
Speaker 2:Is that a treasure?
Speaker 1:or a turn on.
Speaker 2:That is most certainly a treasure and a turn on. I mean you're creating, I mean A it's nice in the moment and also you're creating some anticipation that you're talking about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if it was the male, you know making the time, it would be like masculine leadership. It's very sexy because it shows devotion and direction. So it's definitely a treasure and a turn on All right.
Speaker 2:I will say, though, if I came up to you and I said I planned our weekend getaway, you would want to check my work, you're not wrong, but I wouldn't check your work.
Speaker 1:You are so not wrong. No lies told.
Speaker 2:Where are we going, Mike? What is this? What is this, Mike? I plan our weekend giveaway. Oh great, I'll pack my bags. Where are we going? So it all depends on who's saying it. You know what I?
Speaker 1:would. I would like to lean fully into my feminine and trust you to plan a weekend getaway. You just have to at least tell me what to pack. That's the hard part, right? Yeah, okay. So another one would be why do you always have to be right?
Speaker 2:Trigger.
Speaker 1:Yes, this turns into a power struggle. Every time Not nine times out of ten, Ten out of ten. Every time. You can turn it into a treasure by taking the opportunity for conscious communication. You can be like hey, I just noticed, we did this. Is there something we could approach this in a better way? You can turn it into a turn on by polarity, Like you know, polarity restoration. We want to call it aka makeup sex.
Speaker 2:I gotta Tell that to me. Say, why do you always have to be right?
Speaker 1:Why do you always have to be right?
Speaker 2:Because I have to be right in order to be next to you. Polarity, right. You want to take my pants off, right?
Speaker 1:I liked it.
Speaker 2:Okay, I approve what's the stamp of?
Speaker 1:approval um. I lit candles and ran a bath for you treasure and turn on and maybe even a trigger. But a positive trigger. A positive trigger positive trigger um, yeah, because it's nourishment. Nourishment for the feminine and sensual support. But also, if I ran a bath for you, you'd be like, oh, she's worried about me, so you would feel like I was nurturing you. It builds trust and softness between the partnership.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and when you make a bath for me, the first thought is oh, it's about to go down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was just thinking like if the bath is made, so is his bed.
Speaker 2:Oh, there we go, I like that. Okay, last one.
Speaker 1:You're acting just like your mother or father.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a major trigger, general major trigger.
Speaker 1:Nobody wants to hear that because we're all hoping to break cycles and also, even if your parents are amazing like mine, you don't want to hear that you're acting out some of their negative behaviors, which everyone has. It's wound activation so you can reframe it with softness to find the treasure and use the opportunity to explore inherited patterns with compassion, like, oh, I see how this is replaying itself and you can encourage some cycle breaking and make a commitment to more to embody it more.
Speaker 2:A way to flip that would be you're acting just like your mother or father, and my response would be thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:You can go both ways, thank you, thank you. Thank you, it can go both ways. Thank you. So somatic psychology research from Peter Levine's work shows that somatic release and co-regulation improves attachment repair and relational trust.
Speaker 2:Well, intimacy isn't built in comfort, it's built in repair. That comes from good old Mark Rose. I like that. It's built in repair right. So if you are having intimacy issues, that means you have the ability to repair those.
Speaker 1:Yes, right.
Speaker 2:To strengthen it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's many, so many healing practices that we could help you with, with wound care, and really the best way to do that, of course, is to work with someone who's going to help you. And if you're in a relationship and you love this episode or it awakens something within you, share it with a partner or a friend, somebody who's ready to flip the script on triggers and co-create healing love. And if you want our support, you can fill out our application to work with us. If you're in a relationship or if you're not in a relationship and looking to attract a relationship, we don't have a spot for everyone, but if we're in alignment, we're here for you.
Speaker 2:We have a spot for you if you're in alignment.
Speaker 1:Yes, and the link is in our show notes, if you want to do that, because we want to help you turn your wounds into wisdom and your triggers into treasures and hopefully, whoever you partner up with, they're going to turn it into a turn on honey. Oh yeah, so a couple of journal prompts to close with for this week. Question of the week. You have one.
Speaker 2:I have one, okay, okay. What wound still shows up for you today?
Speaker 1:Okay, I have one. What did you reframe as a turn on? Oh, okay, I like that. You like that, I like that.
Speaker 2:So funny thought, so wounds after this conversation. Wounds are wonderful, yeah, they are open avenues to bring in more love. With that said, Zuri.
Speaker 1:He's touching me. This is bad.
Speaker 2:Will you kiss my cut?
Speaker 1:Kiss your cut Will you lick my laceration?
Speaker 2:No, will you mash my gash? Will you lick my laceration? No, will you mash my gash? Will you tug my trauma? Or will you bang out my boo-boo? What?
Speaker 1:Did you write these down?
Speaker 2:Which one do you like the best Wait?
Speaker 1:did these come from here? I need to know this.
Speaker 2:Oh, this is me.
Speaker 1:Did you write this down this?
Speaker 2:is all me.
Speaker 1:Okay, then say them again.
Speaker 2:Kiss my cut. Okay. Is that a turn on?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Trigger Turn on, it's funny.
Speaker 1:You know what I do like to laugh, and so it turns me on when you make me laugh.
Speaker 2:So yes, so kiss my.
Speaker 1:cut you like that one Lick my laceration uh, mash my gash, mash, mash, mash, mash my gosh. Like what are you talking about? Mash, like, like mashing and movement you just made.
Speaker 2:Okay, mash my gash uh-huh, tug my trauma that's standard right and bang out my boo-boo I think bang out, my boo-boo is just so delicious, honey, if you said if you came to me and you were just distraught and you were full of trauma and you said, dude, you need to bang out my boo-boo, I'd be like I got you, honey, I got you.
Speaker 1:I probably would say something more like I need medicine, man, right now, Not just outside, but inside. Can you help me? That's probably how I would say it. I don't know if I'd be like, hey, can you bash out my boo-boo.
Speaker 2:Bash out my boo-boo. That's pretty good too.
Speaker 1:What was it Bang?
Speaker 2:out.
Speaker 1:Oh, bang out.
Speaker 2:I already got it wrong, yeah.
Speaker 1:All right, I think that's a good place to stop.
Speaker 2:It's good times.
Speaker 1:Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2:You are held.
Speaker 1:You are loved.
Speaker 2:Even your wounds.
Speaker 1:Even, especially, your wounds. You're great as you are, come as you are. Wounds are wonderful. Wounds can be full of opportunities to build wisdom.
Speaker 2:Love beyond the wound.
Speaker 1:Love beyond the wound. Love beyond the wound. Okay, that's enough. Bash out your boo-boo. Bang out, bang out. Keep getting it wrong.
