The Empowerment Couple
Ready to supercharge your life with a symphony of laughter, wisdom, and transformative insights? Welcome to The Empowerment Couple Podcast, where entertainment meets empowerment, and education expands your world! Join Zuri and Mikey Star, your empowerment and expansion coaches, on a power-packed journey each week. Laughter and wisdom collide in a perfect blend, creating a space for the empowered posse to play. Dive deep into personal development, relationships, spirituality, career strategies, and other crucial topics that will inform and allow you to co-create your most beautiful life. Featuring top guest experts, every episode is crafted with your empowerment in mind. Subscribe now and let The Empowerment Couple Podcast be your soundtrack to happiness, transmuting your worries and filling you with an abundance mindset.
Tune in and transform!
The Empowerment Couple
From Reactivity to Response: The Art of Choosing Peace Over Patterns
Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment and instantly regretted it? That regrettable moment reveals the profound difference between reaction and response—a distinction that can transform your relationships.
Your nervous system isn't your enemy—it's your compass, guiding you toward what feels safe and aligned. When we react, our past wounds take control, bypassing our logic and values in just milliseconds. These reactions stem from the amygdala's fight-flight-freeze response and last about 90 seconds in the body unless fed by negative thought patterns. According to the Gottman Institute, a staggering 69% of relationship conflicts revolve around these recurring reactive patterns.
The path to emotional sovereignty lies in understanding both masculine and feminine regulation. The mature masculine breathes before reacting, protects without controlling, and leads with grounded presence. Meanwhile, the mature feminine feels deeply without being consumed, expresses truth without drama, and nurtures without self-sacrifice. Both require moving beyond cultural conditioning that limits emotional expression.
We explore a powerful three-step process to transform reactivity into intentional response: pause (even three deep breaths create a pattern interrupt), name the trigger without blame, and choose an aligned action by asking "What would my highest self do here?" This process creates freedom by breaking automatic loops and opening space for choice.
Daily practices for "nervous system hygiene" are essential—breathwork, cold showers, EFT tapping, setting boundaries, and inner child check-ins all contribute to regulation. Remember, regulation isn't about staying calm; it's about staying connected to your values even during challenging moments. The distinction is vital: reaction escalates while response elevates.
Viktor Frankl wisely noted, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose." By mastering the art of response, you reclaim your power from the past and create relationships built on presence, understanding, and peace. Ready to choose peace over patterns? Your freedom plan starts with a power pause.
Looking for Empowerment Coaching? Apply to work with Zuri here
Looking for Expansion Coaching? Apply to work with Mike here.
Manifest everything you want in your life, using our HoldTheVibe.com course! 5 modules led with audio and video by Mikey and Zuri to help you unlock the magic of manifesting using a simple step-by-step process.
Want to be on our show? Use this form.
Support your health and get in on our affiliate offers:
- Join our Frequency Family and buy your own Healy Device here.
- Get 10% off any Intellipure device using this link & code: Zuri
- Want to do what we are doing? Join us on Kajabi and create a course, email list, coaching program, or membership. You’ll get two free weeks and help us continue our ad-free podcast.
- Want to podcast? Use Buzzsprout the best podcasting host! Following this link lets Buzzsprout know we sent you!
If you enjoyed this episode please share, subscribe, and ...
Okay, ready. One, two, three.
Speaker 2:Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 1:That's what I was going to say. No, you liar. No, I swear to God, that's exactly what I was going to say Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 2:Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1:Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so but that's literally what I was going to say. Welcome to the Empowerment Couple Podcast, where your path to self-mastery expands. My co-host is empowerment coach Zuri Starr, and he's expansion coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2:Together we are.
Speaker 1:The Empowerment Couple. Our mission is simple to serve you, love, so you can make informed decisions to regain and maintain your personal power.
Speaker 2:We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with purpose, passion and limitless possibilities, while sharing stories of transformation, wellness hacks and healthy habits backed by science and ancient wisdom.
Speaker 1:Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games, banter and funny innuendos along the way. Each episode is an exciting blend of education, entertainment and empowerment designed to help you create a mindset to be a magnet for more love, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2:Together with our special guests. We are dedicated to sharing information that empowers you to create your most beautiful life A one Z, a two Z, a three Z your most beautiful life.
Speaker 3:I got nothing. I got nothing. You're supposed to say something?
Speaker 1:I forgot. I agree and I think we're saying the same thing so let's get into this, this much needed and highly anticipated uh podcast yeah, we've been doing a lot of this relationship series this season, namely because we are coaching couples, but also because Mike is finding that there's a greater need to educate men in his coaching community on how to find balance and expansion and in their relationships your relationships are really where you end up seeing what needs to be worked on. They're such a refining agent, right?
Speaker 1:So they're like, oh shit, as soon as you're in a relationship you realize like, oh wow, this is not healed or this is. You know, I haven't integrated that shadow, like there's all of these things that come about right, correct. So today we're going to talk about, from reactivity to response, the art of choosing peace over patterns.
Speaker 2:Peace over patterns.
Speaker 1:Peace over patterns, honey, and so we want to just make sure that you are in a place where you understand that your nervous system is not your enemy, it's your compass.
Speaker 2:It is letting you know whether or not you're going in the right direction or the wrong direction.
Speaker 1:Right there are times in our relationship because we're always testing this shit out on each other where our nervous system feels like an enemy. It feels like like why am I so rattled? What's wrong with me and you? Know, you can fight that fight, you know, against yourself. But really you should be looking at it as like a check engine, like like we talk about a lot on our show, you know, and in our coaching.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course. I mean, how often do we get into not just married couple but just in general? You get into a heated debate and you are essentially reacting right.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So have you ever said something in the heat of the moment and instantly regretted it?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, most certainly.
Speaker 1:Yes, like instantly, you're just like, oh, okay, so that would be an example of a reaction, and what we're going to teach today is all about finding that response, that healthy response, and that's going to be your freedom plan. Correct, Because the second, that you are disciplined to no longer be reactionary and you're now being proactive, you have freedom. Yeah, so when you react, the past is in charge. When you respond, the present gets to lead.
Speaker 2:And let me tell you, everything is done in the present right. So if you can show up present in the present, you're going to get things done. If you show up in the present but in the past you show up in the present, in the future your nervous system is going to let you know that you're going in the wrong direction.
Speaker 1:So we're going to take you on a journey from unconscious reactivity to intentional, embodied response, especially in relationships.
Speaker 2:So, to begin this journey, we are going to talk about reactivity, which is the unconscious loop. The definition of a reaction is an automatic, emotionally driven behavior that often bypasses logic or values. It's fast, defensive and usually comes from a wound or unmet need.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right so wound management.
Speaker 1:I like what you said about it. Bypasses logic or values. I feel, like that is so key. Yes or values. I feel like that is so key because often your reaction is not about you know you forget your values, correct.
Speaker 2:Correct. You know, a bad reaction could have you yelling at a two-year-old toddler who's not going to understand what's going on. Right, it defies logic. So reactions are often triggered by the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that is associated with the fight flight freeze scenario right Now. These reactions, they last about 90 seconds in the body and according to Dr Jill Bull-Taylor, they last 90 seconds in the body unless they're fed by the mind. Right.
Speaker 2:Right. So if you have a reaction in the body and you follow it up with negative, habitual thinking, Right, some kind of unconscious loop that is part of your wound.
Speaker 1:That is correct. Then you're going to have a full meltdown.
Speaker 2:That is correct Then you're going to have a full meltdown and, according to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship conflicts are about recurring issues, aka repeated reactive patterns. Does that sound familiar.
Speaker 2:Misregulated emotional response in men is often a culture that equates masculinity with control, stoicism or aggression and without healthy models for emotional regulation, men may default to shut down or freeze anger, which is fight, or escape, which is flight, which is flight. Right. So the mature masculine isn't emotionalist, it's emotionally sovereign. Right. So the mature masculine breathes before reacting. Right Protects without controlling and leads with grounded presence. Right Regulation, therefore, is not a weakness, it's mastery right and the emotional intelligence really is going to be the new strength standard for the modern man.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 1:I love that. So here's how it shows up in women, because of course it shows up for both of us and we need the balance. You can't just look at your partner and be like it's all your fault, it's like never. This takes two to tango. Is is very appropriate for all conflicts.
Speaker 1:So a dysregulated emotional response in women often reflects a disconnection from the mature feminine, a version of self who feels safe, expressed and emotionally sovereign. When emotions feel overwhelming, silenced or weaponized, it's often rooted in early wounds being shamed for sensitivity, for example, taught to please instead of feel, or mothered by someone who modeled insecurity, control or repression, or all three. Without guidance in emotional alchemy, women may default to people pleasing emotional outburst, shutdown or self-abandonment. This sounds like my high school version of myself. The mature feminine isn't reactive, she's receptive. She feels deeply but isn't consumed. She expresses truth without drama. She nurtures without self-sacrifice.
Speaker 1:You hear that women Nurtures without self-sacrifice, no martyrdom, and regulates not to suppress but to stay empowered. Emotional regulation is the portal to embodiment, and embodiment is her true power, your true power, my true power, yeah. So obviously, as the empowerment couple, we're trying to help you all. All the empowered posse embody true power, masculine or feminine, and a reaction is a reflex from your history. So it's like your muscle is like spasming and that's what's creating the pattern. So it is really an unconscious loop. A response is a choice from your healing.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. I feel like there's so much information there. I mean, yes, when you react, you're literally going from a pattern, and when you are responding, you are setting a pattern.
Speaker 1:So let's talk now about regulated choice, also known as the response. A response is a thoughtful, emotionally aware action based on the current moment, not the past. It requires nervous system regulation and emotional maturity, which is why we covered how to find your emotional masculine, mature, emotionally mature masculine and how to find your emotionally mature feminine. So the three steps to response that we would like to propose is to number one, pause, even three deep breaths creates a pattern interrupt and, as we said last week, you can't be like tell your partner to breathe last week. You can't be like tell your partner to breathe. You have to actually just take the deep breath and create the pattern interruption and be willing to lead with your example.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I can't state the importance of enough about breaking that pattern, right? So when you break a pattern, a negative pattern, it loses its ability. It loses its ability to be effective next time. Right, Because it no longer is a pattern. It actually becomes a choice. Right? The pattern is when you don't know you have a choice and you just react. Right, the more you break the pattern, the more you are offering yourself the choice to take those three deep breaths.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely. And so the second step is to name the trigger or emotion. Now, this is super important. For example, a lot of times in an immature relationship, you don't want to tell the other person initially that what they just said or did hurt you you know, or triggered you or it made you feel, you know it caused a reaction, so that you know what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:If it being like a muscle reflex, like you know, like if it caused something, the important thing is to name it and it's okay to say this situation is making me feel this and you could say something like I notice, I'm feeling this, and if you say that to your partner and name it, then your partner can do something with that. But if you're just like you made me feel like this, then the person is going to be like well, wait a minute, I can't make you feel anything, and like that's your own issue. And you know you get into this circular fight, right? You? You want to avoid the circular fight and the pattern, so you can just name the triggers. That's number two. Yeah, anything to add on that one?
Speaker 2:oh, yeah, most certainly. Um, when I when I think of patterns, I always think of um, a record player, like a record, right? A record is a stamped pattern. It's not like a tape or or a cd. You can't take songs on and off. It's patterned right. So within that patterns or within that record, you could also name what's on that record, right? So if you're having a negative reaction and that negative reaction is because, let's say, you are having a hard time accepting or having a hard time surrendering, you can name that emotion as a song on that negative pattern. Oh, I'm having a negative emotion about my work. And then name that negative emotion. Let's say it is frustration, right, I'm feeling frustrated. So you can have these conversations internally. It doesn't necessarily have to be with your partner, so long as you are having those conversations and allowing yourself to break that pattern, name what's going on and then being able to move forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can name it for yourself, but it does help build intimacy and trust if you name it out loud to your partner so that you both can meet each other in that place.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm actually referring to those reactions when you're actually not with your partner, because you have reactions on a regular basis. So you don't want to manage your reactions just with your partner and not manage your reactions in the rest of your life, because that builds bad practice. How you do one thing is how you do everything. So what's number three?
Speaker 1:Number three is to choose aligned action, and you can do this by saying what would my highest self do here? What version of Zuri do I want to bring to this equation? So ask yourself what's the best version I can bring to this, especially when you've already done step one, which is pause and take three deep breaths. You've already named the trigger or motion, either in your head, as Mike said, or with your partner. If you're having an argument and you now can choose which version to bring to it, and the most aligned version is going to be in conflict. It's going to be a peaceful version Because, truthfully, we all want to feel safe, peaceful, loved in harmony, in union.
Speaker 1:You know, pick the word, but that's going to be the aligned action. So, the aligned version of you and asking like what would that aligned version do? What would that peaceful, aligned version do? What would that peaceful, aligned version do? What would that happy aligned version do? What would that nurturing whatever you think is needed? Ask that question and allow the answer to drop in. Take a beat. You're going to have a circular, long fight if you don't take the beat and allow yourself to breathe into the space and figure out what's actually happening. And then, what can I actually bring that would be positive to the equation?
Speaker 2:And remember a negative thought once it gets into the mind you have, or when you have that physical response, you have 90 seconds to deal with it before it sets in. So, within that 90 seconds, you're going to pause, you're going to breathe, you're going to name the trigger, you're going to choose an aligned action and by the end of that 90 seconds, you are going to be emotionally sovereign again.
Speaker 1:Yes, right. And also acting from a mature masculine or feminine Correct. So Viktor Frankl has this quote that says between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose.
Speaker 2:Again, once you recognize that pattern, you have the ability to choose the pattern or use the pattern.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Anything that you are not changing. You are choosing Correct, so you have the opportunity to choose a different pattern. So when we respond instead of react, we reclaim our power from our past.
Speaker 2:I love that and that's part of the whole podcast. Right Empowerment. How can we reserve as much power for our inner self, for our growth, so that we can radiate divinity for ourselves and our family and our work and the rest of the world?
Speaker 1:Right, and yeah, that's beautifully said, and I think that all of us have the ability to focus on what we actually want to focus on because, you know, be so real, nobody wants to have a fight and lose an entire day to a fight with their partner. And you know you don't have to. You don't have to, you just have to master your reactivity.
Speaker 2:And one of the problems in going on what you said, one of the problems with negative patterns is that we normalize them.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right. We jump into them so often that when we're in them, we feel like, oh, this is just normal life, this is what our marriage is like, this is what my relationship with my boss is like, this is the relationship with my kids is like, and that is not the case.
Speaker 1:And it's really disempowering. You really just put yourself into a position of like oh, it's that person's fault. We don't bring out the best in each other. I hear people say that all the time in our coaching practice. It's like we don't bring out the best in each other. I hear people say that all the time in our coaching practice. It's like wherever you go, there you are, you're going to end up with someone else and have a similar experience until you start regulating your response.
Speaker 2:Changing relationships changing one bad relationship for another bad relationship is literally changing one mirror to the next. It's going to provide you the same reflection. Relationship for another bad relationship is literally changing one mirror to the next. Yeah, it's going to provide you the same reflection.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter if the mirror is being held by Tom or Dick or Harry. Dick or Harry right, it's still going to reflect what you need to work on.
Speaker 1:Word.
Speaker 2:And what you are holding is a reflection for your partner Right To look, oh my God, like, yeah, I'm making all kinds of mistakes.
Speaker 1:Right. So, let's talk about how to stay regulated.
Speaker 2:Yes, because that's the key. That is the key. A good offense is a good defense, right? So when I think of staying regulated, I think of regulation equals resourced. Yes, right so when you are regulated, you have full capacity of all of your resources.
Speaker 1:Right, and so your resources are your habits, your daily practices, your rituals.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. So your daily practices could include, or should actually include, a form of breath work.
Speaker 1:Which we talked about last week. If you didn't hear that episode, Box breathing the 4-7-8 method.
Speaker 2:Incorporating a breathing technique into your week on a regular basis is literally like flossing your teeth Right. The more you do it, the healthier you're going to be.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Then there's your. You have to take care of your nervous system. You have a practice for brushing your teeth. You have a practice for washing your body. You should also have a practice for managing the hygiene of your nervous system. So taking cold showers is a great way to reset your nervous system. Practicing EFT, which is-.
Speaker 1:Tapping, tapping, yeah, emotional freedom technique.
Speaker 2:That's a great way to regulate your nervous system. Any type of vagus nerve work is critical if you are experiencing emotional dysregulation. We had a full episode about boundaries Two episodes actually and boundaries are a great way to preserve your energy. So going into conversations with proper boundaries allows you to exit those conversations with your nervous system intact. And then there's the inner child check-ins, right. So questions like you know, what do I need right now? How can I access my higher self? Those type of questions are great for regulating your nervous system because, as you have those conversations, you are talking to a version of yourself that is emotionless.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Doesn't have emotion, doesn't live in time, has all the answers, and the more you connect with that, the calmer your nervous system gets.
Speaker 1:And the inner child check-in is really about the part of you that is often referred to. The inner child is your compass and it knows usually exactly what you need, so it's important to have that conversation. Yes. A lot of times I'll ask my inner child like, okay, what do I need right now? And it's like rest Nine times out of 10, it's like rest. You know, like I feel a little off. What do you need? Rest, you know. And so start having that conversation, normalize that.
Speaker 2:And you know, listen to your voice. Yesterday, your inner child said you needed rest. My inner child said I needed to go for a run. We addressed our needs and we were able to come back afterwards and you know we were excited about being.
Speaker 1:We were regulated. We were regulated.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you know the inner child is also a great way to handle your wounds. Wound management is critical. Wounds fester and they produce emotional weeds that will literally wreak havoc on your relationship. Yes, right, so emotional regulation really equals relationship success.
Speaker 1:Yes, it really does.
Speaker 2:Regulated couples will fight fair. They won't. I mean, fighting is good right. Fighting can be good, but-.
Speaker 1:They'll fight fair. They're not fighting to win. They're fighting for peace you know which is another episode of ours.
Speaker 2:Exactly. They can reconnect faster and they can create more trust. Now let me tell you, the best part of a fight is when that fight is over.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, Right. So if you can fight fair, reconnect faster and create more trust, then fights are seen as levels up. Yep. Right. And then you know, the emotional regulation predicts greater longevity in relationships. Yeah, you know this is based off of a 2016 Berkeley study. So imagine if you were able to regulate your emotions and your partner was able to regulate emotions. Think just how long your relationship could last in harmony.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because obviously lasting is one thing, but enjoying a relationship for decades is a different thing. Yeah. And it's possible by emotional regulation.
Speaker 2:And regulation isn't about staying calm, right. It's about staying connected to your values.
Speaker 1:Yes, say that again.
Speaker 2:Regulation isn't about staying calm. It's about staying connected to your values. Yes, say that again Regulation isn't about staying calm. It's about staying connected to your values. So if you value peace in your house and your partner is experiencing some emotional dysregulation, you have the opportunity to pause, take a deep breath, not react, so that your values stay intact.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have a chance to pause, name the trigger and choose your aligned action. Yeah, I love it. So when you say connected to your values, give me an example of that. Like you know, I'm going to give you a trigger. So real life examples. I feel like those are always helpful for our empowered posse and they're certainly helpful for me for embodiment and I use them a lot in my practice. So, let's say, your partner interrupts and the reaction could be something like why don't you ever let me finish? Or why are you interrupting me? Right, and a response so a regulated response would be. I notice I'm feeling dismissed. Can we try again?
Speaker 2:That is, providing more information and less accusation. Right that I can work with, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right. So in that case, the value of the response is that I need them to understand the feeling that I'm feeling and also the invitation to approach it differently Because you value collaboration, right, okay. So example two would be like let's say, a client just ghosts you and or maybe it's a client you're trying to procure or something like that Right, but they ghost you and your reaction is to vent on social media.
Speaker 2:Natural response yeah.
Speaker 1:That's the reaction. Oh, I'm going to go take this to Facebook or Instagram or you know, it's going to be all of my Snapchat stories today.
Speaker 2:I want everyone to know that this person is an asshole.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Or just you know you're saying all of these negative things or you're putting up you know the quote graphic like, oh, I want them to know this is about them. That would be a reaction, an emotionally dysregulated, immature reaction, right? The response, a regulated response, would be to journal and to find how to regulate on the situation so you can assess don't immediately assume that it's about you and that you failed or that they don't like you or whatever the negatives. Don't immediately go there. So you can regulate by really assessing well, what does this mean for me? And then you can always follow up professionally once you haven't had the emotional outburst. If you have the emotional outburst and the emotional reaction, it is very hard to switch back to follow up professionally.
Speaker 2:Correct, let me tell you from experience you can't unread a book.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, you can't unsend a text really, or you know, like your emotional outbursts on social media, that shit lives forever. So here's your tool so you can create a power pause plan. You know what works for you, so we can just give you the ideas. I like that, the power pause plan. You know what works for you, so we can just give you the ideas.
Speaker 2:I like that. The power pause plan yes.
Speaker 1:So you can and you can make this agreement. You know this, this tool can be made between the two of you, so you can say like okay, you know, my power pause plan is going to be to do breath work.
Speaker 1:My first step it's going to be breath work and then maybe a phrase that grounds me.
Speaker 1:So maybe you have like a mantra or affirmation or incantation that you've been using that grounds you and then I. The next, you know, the next step of the power pause plan would be to ask some type of an aligned question, and you can either journal on this, you can have a conversation, you can walk outside like Mike does and talk in the woods, you can rattle off. I think the key here is that you don't want to. A lot of people will use this type of aligned questioning to vent or to call their mom or call their best friend or whatever, and have these long conversations that really are creating more of what you don't want Correct and they're making the pattern deeper. So a lot of times I've been asked by girlfriends well, why didn't you call me and vent? So a lot of times I've been asked by girlfriends well, why didn't you call me and vent? And it's like because I'm looking to reprogram my mind and to not have that be a part of my patterns.
Speaker 2:You're changing your narrative.
Speaker 1:Right, and so you can't change your narrative if you're constantly complaining about your spouse.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, and you can't change your narrative.
Speaker 1:Because that's your narrative.
Speaker 2:You can't change your narrative if you keep using the same narrative.
Speaker 1:That's the pattern, exactly it becomes a pattern instead of an empowered plan. So your power pause plan is some type of breath work. Some people sing I love to sing so for me sometimes it's singing a really angry song.
Speaker 2:I hum or whistle on a regular basis.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you can find something. So if breath work doesn't speak to you, there are other ways to get that deep breath. I don't recommend smoking, but that's why people smoke a lot is to get the deep breath. Okay, so Just that's your power pause plan. I hope that's helpful. We are definitely going to play a game. I just want to say real quick to sum this up, that if you think about it this way, this will help you stay empowered. Reaction escalates.
Speaker 1:Response elevates, elevates, elevates. So when you are in a fight with your couple, do you want that fight to escalate or do you want to see this fight have a way of escalation where you are fighting and you're tired of doing that, which I'm sure you're fucking tired of that? So if you're tired of that because it's exhausting, you need to find a response that is going to elevate the relationship, correct and elevate you.
Speaker 2:And that's where values come in. Yes, right, and that's where values come in.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right. So if you have a value set in that states that every time I'm having a conversation with my spouse or my kids, my value is to elevate our relationship even higher, Right. Right, even if it's hey, I love you, the elevation you experience, the elevation Right, the elevation right. So the minute that you have a dysregulated response and your value of elevating, every conversation becomes invalid and all of a sudden you are now escalating a fight and lowering your ability to be happy. Right, you're not elevating, you're descending.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're disempowering, you're descending, you're giving energy away. Think of all the energy that you're leaking. Think of it like a tire. You literally can't get on your way to do your thing if you're leaking your energy constantly in your relationships. So let's play a game.
Speaker 2:Let's play a game, okay.
Speaker 1:So this is going to be react or respond. Are you ready to be silly? Cause like we've been serious, can we be silly?
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay. What the hell was that?
Speaker 1:The face that you just made. Okay, so I'm going to read you some real life scenarios and then you're going to react, and then I will give the response. How about that All? Right and you have 10 seconds to react.
Speaker 2:That's all I need. That's all I need.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then? I only have 10 seconds to offer a healthy response.
Speaker 2:So I go for the escalation, you go for the elevation.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Check. Let's do this.
Speaker 1:Ready, okay? So here's the examples. I have one, two, three. I have six examples. Give them to me, okay. Your partner forgets your birthday.
Speaker 2:Oh, hell, no, All right. So here's what I'm going to do I'm going to go out, I'm going to buy, as I'm uh, if I spent $50 on your birthday, I'm going to spend $50 on myself, right? And then I'm going to tat around the house letting you know that you fucked up, that you fucked up, that you fucked up over and over and over and over.
Speaker 1:You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to probably throw a temper tantrum. I'll say some nasty things because I will feel validated to say nasty things.
Speaker 1:Because they made a mistake.
Speaker 2:They made a mistake.
Speaker 1:That's a pretty big mistake. Yeah, so here would be a healthy response. My partner forgot my birthday. My partner forgot my birthday. You know my birthday is important to me. You know it's special to me and it's bringing up the sensation that I didn't have a special birthday, and sometimes of my life and it would be really important if you could make this up to me in a healthy way.
Speaker 2:What you did is you gave me an opportunity to make it better.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:I will take that opportunity and I will lift it to a place where you're like oh, he forgot my birthday, but then he did this. Oh my God, I love him so much.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, so that was hard. By the way, I was like forget my birthday. Everybody knows I'm like birthday queen. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, hmm, I had to, like, really put myself there. Okay, so you see some type of passive aggressive post and you know it's clearly aimed at you on social media.
Speaker 2:Here's my response. Oh hell, no, let me copy exactly what he's saying and I'm going to switch the words so that I'm going to manipulate everything that he says so that it's aimed right back at him. Oh right, I'm going to do some passive aggressive shit, because passive aggressive needs passive aggressive.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Positive plus the positive is a negative.
Speaker 1:A healthy response would be if you want to maintain this relationship, a healthy response would be hey, so and so I think it's a good idea that we have a conversation where we can heal some of the imbalances that are happening. Are you open to that Question mark? And if there is no response, give it some time. But if there is a response and it gives you the doorway to healing the relationship, Now, if you didn't want to heal the relationship and this person is just being a jerk, there's this wonderful thing called unfollow, there's this also wonderful thing called mute, there's this wonderful thing called block. So all of those are available to you. But I will tell you, if somebody is triggering you, it's about you and you need to figure out how to heal that part of you.
Speaker 2:And you know, in one of those type of responses, sometimes non-reaction is the best reaction.
Speaker 1:For sure. That's why I said if you want to heal the relationship, you can do something, because anytime somebody is making that type of, you know like aggressive, passive, aggressive thing, they're looking for a reaction. Right, reaction is what feeds a lot of people to, you know, get off on ego stuff. So, okay, let's do another one. Your child throws a tantrum in Target.
Speaker 2:Oh hell, no. In Target. Oh hell, no. That kid is going to be grabbed by its arm and pulled all the way through Target as he's kicking and screaming, so that the whole world can see that he's a brat Right and that I'm a victim of this brat.
Speaker 1:And what are you doing? You going to the car and yelling.
Speaker 2:Going to the car yelling, you know driving home as fast as I can, and then you know getting into some sort of distraction, be it beer, alcohol, whatever.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep. Oh, I got to go home and have my mommy juice there we go. Which is wine, right?
Speaker 1:Okay, so if your child throws a tantrum in Target, this obviously anybody who has kids this has happened. So the response can be the same way that we just taught you to pause and to breathe and to name the trigger. And you know, like, if you're embarrassed, like figure out why them having a tantrum is causing you pain. Because it's causing you something Like you're going to feel, you're going to have a reaction and if you want to have a response, you can.
Speaker 1:There's this wonderful thing at all targets is there's a dressing room, there's a bathroom. If you need to have some privacy, you can go there. You can also take your child to the car. But children are always having a tantrum for a reason. And if you can pause and get into their emotional state of what's happening like if you denied them the toy and then they're having the tantrum, non-reaction can be good and the healthy response can be like, hey, let's just breathe this out. I understand that you're sad and having a soothing voice that can allow them to feel what they're feeling, and then you can regulate in that way and and you know, make sure you're breathing first, make sure you're.
Speaker 1:You know naming some, you know you can also have the phrase you know, like when you know your kid is two or three tantrums are part of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, tantrum a bitch, and you know you said something earlier in the podcast that you know as you manage your own emotional responses, you're also showing your kids how to do the same. So there's a good chance that if your kid is having a meltdown in Target, it's probably because you've had several meltdowns, or your partner has had several meltdowns in the house and they are just Mirroring. Mirroring.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Yep. And also, you know, kids are simple in a sense that. Have they eaten, have they napped, have they, you know, are you managing their um, their boundaries, as you know, tiny little beings, you know, like they have they, have they run out of gas and then they run amok you know they run into tantrums, Exactly. So okay, let's go to the next one. Um, let's just do one more because we're running low on time. Um, your boss emails you at 10 PM again.
Speaker 2:And here's the deal. If it's not with hey Mike, here's a raise and here's a, you know, some more responsibilities, a company car, all that good stuff, then uh, my first response is oh hell, no, you don't call me, you don't? I mean, I'm not on, not on, I'm not on my, my work schedule, like you are. You are now um, uh, on my.
Speaker 1:You know my time, my time, so right and a healthy response would be, if you go back to our boundary medicine episode, boundaries are energy preservation, so you should have, if you know that this is something, a pattern of your bosses, your healthy response has already been recorded and you already have it saved in your notes, on your phone or on your computer, in a doc or something where you can just copy and paste and just reiterate your hours and that you will address their needs in the morning. You also can choose not to react at all and not to respond at all. You can set up an auto responder that goes out at certain hours like that's boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, baby. That would be the healthiest response so that you can eliminate the pattern. You can break the pattern.
Speaker 2:And let me tell you, a properly established boundary elevates the relationship. Yes, it doesn't escalate it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. I love that Reaction is a loud no from your past. A response is a sacred yes to your future is a sacred yes to your future.
Speaker 2:I love that, I love that, and you know if I always like to think about you know this, this topic, as you know, um, uh, the conversation that you have between your relationship, that you have between your mind and your heart, right, so you want to keep your mind cool and your heart warm. One way to keep your mind cool is with the breath, work right, mantras, staying grounded, physical fitness, the boundaries.
Speaker 2:And to stay in your heart is to stay connected with your values stay connected with your purpose, stay connected with your loved ones right and if you value heart-based practices and cool mind practices, you probably won't have many fights. You'll just have opportunities to elevate.
Speaker 1:Yep, and you won't have regrets. In like our game, you had like a crazy reaction that was, you know, emotionally dysregulated, immature, masculine or feminine. You are going to have a regret because you're going to be like oh, I hate that I acted like that.
Speaker 2:So when I'm talking about emotional regulation, there are people on this planet who you require them to practice emotional regulation on a regular basis, Every time that you get on a plane right and you're walking into the plane and you see all the stewardess. Most of the time those stewardess are happy, they're smiling, they look like they have their composure, and the same thing with the pilot. Now, if you were stepping on the plane and the pilot and the coworkers and the crew they were arguing. The pilot was having a physical breakdown. They're on the phone, they're crying, they're raising their voice Would you board that plane or would you get the hell off?
Speaker 1:Oh, I'd get off, I'd get off.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that is what happens when we bring an emotional, dysregulated version of ourselves into a relationship. It makes everybody, every passenger on that plane feel like, okay, this is not, this is not happening and let's just and it's especially. It's especially critical for the men to keep their composure, because the men have the ability to also protect. So if they are not protecting and they're turning around and making people feel unsafe, people are going to exit the plane as soon as they can.
Speaker 1:Right. So let's just take this analogy and say that the people who are riding the passengers on the plane are your kids. And so if you and your co-pilot, your husband, wife are fighting with each other and you're not going to land the plane, you're not going to be able, you're going to crash, you're going to crash.
Speaker 1:And you're crashing in a way that hurts all of the passengers, right, correct? Like, metaphorically speaking, they're all going to die, right? So you have to think about this in a different way. Like, if you are not, if you're unwilling to heal that part of yourself that is causing emotional dysregulation and you're acting out emotionally often, then the woman is going to feel unsafe. Therefore she will become more masculine and then her masculine tendencies are going to want to lead, because she doesn't feel that the partner that she's chosen is able to, because they're dysregulated. And when they're dysregulated, then the mature feminine will kind of take a backseat and then the woman becomes so masculine that she no longer can get into a place of nervous system flow.
Speaker 2:Of course, because she is doing double duty right as the stewardess. That means the stewardess has to take care of all the passengers and fly the plane at the same time. A double duty, and instead of the male flying the plane, the male actually becomes a passenger.
Speaker 1:Yes. And also, then, what you are teaching, because children learn from you, your actions, not from your words. You're teaching them that it's okay to abandon yourself and it's okay to abandon your feminine. It's okay to abandon your, your feminine, right? So in this scenario, so then your child learns that it's not safe. So therefore, they're constantly trying to make things safe. And if it's a, if it's a daughter, the daughter is going to then have people pleasing and it's just this vicious cycle.
Speaker 1:So if you really don't get into co-pilot, where you both are co-pilots and you're not fighting to win you know where you are looking to fight for peace and have equality in your relationship, where the feminine gets to be alive and the masculine gets to be alive and they're both supported. If you don't have that, this is what we coach. This is what we do.
Speaker 2:This is what we do.
Speaker 1:So of course you know the offer stands. If you are looking for harmony in your relationship, you can use the link in our show notes to apply. Also, if you are feeling like you didn't have a male figure in your life that taught you how to be masculine Mike is really amazing at that and I've had the privilege to watch some of his coaching.
Speaker 2:Self-taught masculinity.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, isn't that a challenge? Yes, yes. But now you? Isn't that a challenge? Yes, and then, challenge accepted, challenge accepted, you understood the challenge. And then I am coaching goddesses to heal their feminine and to awaken with fun and polarity and pleasure. With fun and polarity and pleasure. What's the funniest character? Like you know, you grew up with the old school cartoons. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:You see me, sam, all that good stuff, I only watched the old stuff. We didn't have cable or expensive things, so I watched what was on with commercials and stuff and so I used to watch, like the oldest stuff, like some of it was like in black and white because I just thought they were so funny and they're just show like like who's your favorite reaction person and and if you pay attention, like the old school cartoons, they're all just like a great example of reactions. Okay, ready One, two, three.
Speaker 2:Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 1:That's what I was going to say. No, you liar. No, I swear to God, that's exactly what I was going to say. Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 2:Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1:Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so, but that's literally what I was going to say.
Speaker 2:And it's a Tasmanian devil because he has no regulated response. He's always dysregulated.
Speaker 1:Always.
Speaker 2:That's it, Blah blah, blah, tear it up, tear it up, tear it up, tear it up, tear it up, tear it up and that's it. Yes, there's no, hey, what do we have here?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:What can we recover from this? No, what can we recover from this? No, you know what can we grow from this? It is just like tear it down, tear it down, tear it down, yeah, or?
Speaker 1:like Tom and Jerry. I mean I could have said a lot of things, but if you just think about like, the reaction is like hilarious on old cartoons and old cartoons I feel like especially some of them didn't even have like words and you know then you really get to like pay attention to the reaction and it's just hilarious. And the patterns Like if you think of like Wile E Coyote is that what it's called?
Speaker 2:Yeah, wile E Coyote yeah.
Speaker 1:If you think of their pattern, it's like beep beep. So, like, your assignment in Power Posse is to watch some old cartoons and pay attention to reactions, because you are likely carrying out that same behavior. All of them are like a study on human behavior. And let me tell you, I studied every Saturday morning.
Speaker 2:Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner really the Roadrunner is a show of regulated and dysregulated. The roadrunner is regulated, he anticipates, he always has a plan, he stays calm, he can stay on the edge of a cliff at the very last second and then make a minor move, whereas with a coyote he's desperate, he's hungry, he needs it, he needs it, and every time he fails he doesn't learn Right.
Speaker 1:And Tom and Jerry is the same thing. Yeah, you know, like the formula. If you pay attention to the formula, which is the pattern, which is the recipe, like it repeats itself over and over again, the human condition being a human, it's full of patterns, so that will be a fun exercise. I think you can watch them on Macs. I think we looked into this at one point because I was like we need Saturday morning cartoons.
Speaker 2:You can also. Youtube it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can YouTube it, but yeah, I don't know what you'll find, because I feel like we did try that. Anyway, I digress. I think that would be a fun exercise to do Some cartoons. I will warn you did not age well, so be careful. Oh yeah, I wouldn't watch it with your kids yet there are things that we have watched with our daughter when she was a little younger and I was like what the hell? Look at what we got programmed with Just like 80s and 90s shows that I'm like what.
Speaker 2:I mean the original Little Rascals. Oh, I consume that to death. And then there was a scene. Yeah, there was a couple of scenes. I was like whoa damn.
Speaker 1:Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2:You are held.
Speaker 1:You are loved. You are held. You are loved I'm having a regulated response to the heat. It's officially June y'all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I thought you were having a response to me saying the word, but I know when we do our tests, our microphone checks. I get triggered.
Speaker 1:And I could have a regulated response or a reaction. Can we not use that word ever? I don't think.
Speaker 2:I Do. You want a scientific word, honey? No, I don't like the scientific word.
Speaker 1:Honey Mm-hmm no I don't.
Speaker 2:I think it's a pretty word.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's good for you. I'm glad you like the word. I don't like the word. It's very flowery.
Speaker 2:I want to go outside and smell the vaginas in that garden. It has the same ring to it.
Speaker 1:So you're just doing this to trigger me to have a reaction. I got it. So you're just doing this to trigger me to have a reaction. I got it. I see you.
